Friday, March 11, 2005

Scary zombies?

I find zombies to be the absolutely least intimidating creature of horror to attack ficticious cities anywhere. Their strong points are their ability to create others and their normally large starting numbers. However this is offset by a long list of crippling weaknesses. 1: Zombies are the dumbest creatures. They respond only to their one basic instinct to feed. This would logically stop their numbers from growing (as all of their victims would be completely devoured instead of becoming reanimated with slight flesh wounds) but doesn't seem to follow in films. They still are not capable of creating any tactics, traps, or plans. 2: Zombies are easy to kill. Destroying the brain has seemed to work in every zombie flick I have watched. They have no tendency toward self preservation at all. A zombie will not dodge bullets or cover its head as you repeatedly bash them with golf clubs. 3: Zombies are easy to identify. The lack of speech and decomposing flesh make them unable to pass for humans. 4: Most zombies are slow (in most flicks). Relentless but slow. If you are unable to destroy them, walking away quickly seems effective in most movies. 5: Zombies are weak. The average human seems able to overpower zombies in groups of twos and threes. They are also easily kept at bay by the flimsiest of physical defenses. Board up your windows or climb on anything high and zombies will not be able to reach you. Get on a sparsely populated island and you should have no problem containing and overcoming your zombie problems.
Of course, as with many things, planning is the key. You should take the time to establish a plan of what you would do in the event of a zombie attack. Find escape routes and safe places. Determine what supplies you will need to wait out the crisis. Food, water, weapons, and building materials will be essential. Grab as much fresh food as you can consume before it goes bad. Most people will be dead (or undead) and the police will turn a blind eye toward looting. So go crazy. Steal lobster and the most expensive cuts of beef you can find. Stock up on the liquor. Then sober up and start piling up canned goods for the long haul. Clean water should be stored in as many containers as you can find. When enough people die, the infastructure will shut down. Electricity and running water will be nothing more than pleasant memories. Also invest in iodine tablets or a personal water filter. Any building materials will be helpful. You want to make durable barriers to keep the zombies out of whatever area you decide to occupy. Finally weapons. Guns are great, but so many heroes run out of bullets. Make sure you have some sort of reusable hand-to-hand weapon. Anything that is hard enough to crush a zombies skull and long enough to keep you out of reach is great. Also consider some mass casualty and area of effect weapons. Zombies will typically attack in large groups. Even if they don't, you can take advantage of their low intellect and lure them into an alley. Then a hand grenade is great. For even bigger crowds try the Army's MK19. It is a belt fed machine gun that fires 40mm grenades. An automatic grenade launcher should have you zombie free in no time.


Liberal Larry said...

Zombies may be stupid, but they are usually more intelligent than they living people in the film. If you want to hole up against a zombie invasion, please do NOT lock yourself in your basement. There are no escape routes and any food stores you have will be gone pretty quick. And stay out of the mall. There's no food there, either, unless you want to spend the rest of your life drinking Orange Juliuses. Besides, malls are way too big to defend, and typically attract gangs of insane biker bandits. Find yourself a nice Safeway. You'll eat like a king and won't have to worry about long checkout lines.

Dave Justus said...

I actually suggest holing up in a Wallmart.

First off, this is not a known place to encounter signifigant amounts of brains, so it will not be a target for the Zombie hordes.

Second, if the Zombie hordes do attack, it will still seem slightly better than an average shopping trip to Wallmart.

Cubicle said...

On thing lacking in you analysis of zombies is the fact that whenever they happen to appear, all civillization that can be reached by them is destoyed.

Yes one is not a problem, but if you see one, you know their are many more. No other creature will destory your civilization and destory your lifestyle the way a few million zombies will.

I am not afriad of Zombies, they just give me the heeb-ba-jeb-bies.

Sandcastle said...

Super Wal Mart would be an excellent location to wait out a zombie invasion. They have food, firearms, all of the needs of modern living, plus lots of crap that you don't want that can be used to barricade the entrances. If only Wal Mart carried hand grenades.

Sandcastle said...

Also check out The Zombie Survival Guide: Complete Protection from the Living Dead, by Max Brooks.